a guessing game

Life is a guessing game

we never chose to play.

We think we are the painters,

Yet we often have no say.

We are the blank canvases,

we are the empty slates.

Many fight the flow of life,

but what if we create?

To accept adversity

is no easy task.

But warring with yourself

is harder still to mask.

Rather than go against the tide,

allow the waves of sadness.

As arduous as it may be,

you’ll find peace amidst the madness.

 

 

 

 

 

life through a looking-glass

Our darkest days can be so bleak,

that we see no tomorrow.

To live a life with leaves unturned,

Is truly a grave sorrow.

A burial of denied dreams,

is what we humans do best.

Pushing away possibilities,

of which we have been blessed.

You surely would be in awe,

if you had just looked closely.

For life through a looking-glass

may not be so lonely.

imperfect symphony

My mind is my worst enemy;

interrupting cacophony.

The winding path inside my head,

I face everyday with a dread.

Is life truly melodious?

For my troubles seem so copious.

A chirping robin’s song may tell

a different story than my hell.

Enchanting orchestras surround us,

Let’s not let our struggles blind us.

I’ve come to an epiphany:

Life’s an imperfect symphony.

 

 

 

 

 

 

finding meaning beyond suffering

When you find meaning in suffering, it is no longer suffering.

That hit me hard. How can all these years I’ve been feeling like absolute shit be… meaningful?

I presume the reason I’m so struck by this notion is that I’m still “suffering.” It’s easy to delve into the black hole of self pity and feeling alone; although – on a bit of a tangent here – who isn’t dealing with a hard situation? Have you ever truly gotten to know someone who isn’t experiencing some degree of hardship in their lives? For sure, the level of difficulty one may face can greatly vary, although it truly is relative. What I can handle, someone else couldn’t, and vice versa.

“One of the most difficult things for us to accept is that there is no realm where there’s only happiness and there’s no suffering. This doesn’t mean that we should despair. Suffering can be transformed.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

Something I’m slowly coming to realize is we can’t choose what life throws at us. I could accept that, and make the most of how I handle it… but I’m also angry – really, deeply enraged. (Which is very hard to admit.)

Life isn’t meant to be easy. I believe we have two options: We can wallow in our sorrows, isolate ourselves, and resent our lives… OR we can learn from the difficulties we face, and become stronger, better people for it. What I mean by “better” is we can use our own experiences to understand and lend a helping hand to others around us. Sometimes all one may need is a shoulder to lean on – another human being who has been there, done that.

It takes a lot to come out the other end of a struggle and say I did it. It was hard, it was tearful, it was slow, it seemed impossible, but I did it. Unfortunately, I cannot really say that for myself, although I suppose it takes some strength to even just stay alive sometimes. (I feel like a very weak, incapable person, but let’s just go with it… I’m trying to be helpful here.)

How can we come to accept and find meaning in strife? I’m completely clueless. However, maybe just understanding this concept, and believing one day maybe I can do it too, is an important first step to take.

Stay strong, and always keep fighting.

 

 

exercise… am I addicted?

TW

I’ve started pacing for hours on end. Four steps from my bed to the wall. Again, and again, and again. I utter numbers in my head for hours, unable to stop the cycle. I HAVE to go on the elliptical for at least one hour of vigorous exercise a day. Nothing less, or I will despise myself even more. If I exercise more one day, the next day I have to top that. I am worth nothing but my weight, and workouts, and numbers. I couldn’t sit up let alone get out of bed for a few hours this morning because I overworked myself last night. Luckily, it’s the weekend so I had some time to rest and recover. But in my head resting and sitting still even for a few hours is lazy, disgusting, and makes me feel like I’m going to gain weight. Why the hell do I care about something so insignificant as how many calories I burn, how many steps I’ve done that day, or whether my weight is less than the day before? It’s a cycle I’m completely consumed by. I haven’t gotten anything done these past few days other than pacing and working out. My own head is a prison. I’m not in control of this anymore; it’s completely taking over me. This lack of control is scary. It’s terrifying.

I am just a plaything

I am just a plaything,

dilemma,

a muse.

Here for you to play with,

discard then,

abuse.

 

You tell me it was once,

that I’m crazy,

“It’s fine.”

But do you know the nights I

stay awake from your crime?

 

You want me to forgive you,

you want me to forget.

Maybe I am crazy,

since you have no regrets.

 

I let you didn’t I?

I was scared to fight,

frozen,

a deer in headlights.

 

One year on yet I can’t shake this feeling,

unwelcome hands still grasp my soul.

You taught me to feel worthless,

my sanity you stole.

 

You seized my sense of self,

I now feel I am yours.

Just like I said: a plaything,

a toy.

 

 

So sick of this

Trigger warning!!! (eating disorder behaviors…)

I just ate to purge. For the first time, I ate with the intention of purging. I generally just restrict and occasionally purge when I eat “too much” by my standards. But today, I ate to purge. And I HATE purging so much. Nothing makes you feel so worthless as spending half your day bent over a toilet with your own puke splashing in your face, trust me. So why the hell did I do it? I DONT KNOW. I feel like absolute sh*t right now. I’ve had a terrible day for many other reasons too. Now I’m freaking out because I have no idea whether I got it all up. So I’m sitting here absorbing calories. Ew. The more I purge, the more I realize eating isn’t worth it. Eating f-ing sucks. Makes me feel physically and emotionally awful. Why I still do it at all is a mystery. Anyway I’m going to go have my SECOND break down of the day. idk if anyone reads this but if you do would you mind leaving a comment so I know? sorry this was so negative. I hate myself. I despise myself. I’m revolting.